HERE!

You're waiting for someone to put you together
You're wating for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be
He says all the right things at exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you & you don't know why





♥
Dani

So I'm at The Rocket.
I thought I would be happy here; I usually love it here.
But I just feel uncomfortable.
I think it's because I'm not sitting where I normally sit,
& of course, I hate change.
&&, there's a group of giggly high school girls sitting to the left of me.
Annoying.

I was so determined to make today good, somehow,
but it just isn't working out.
I want to go somewhere & be alone.
Typically I can manage to 'be alone' here,
because technically, I am.
But today I can't.
I'm too focused on all the people around me,
& too focused on how shitty I feel.

I hate when this mind-set creeps up on me & I can't shake it.
Like I said in the last post - it just HITS me & I don't know why.
I'm so annoyed with it. I like being perpetually happy.

There are just a lot of little things eating at me.
Like, work. && the fact that I don't get paid again until AFTER I go back to Pullman
&& I need ink for my printer, & gas in my car to get to & from work.
I could handle being broke, it's really not a big deal to me, I do it all the time at school,
but it's just that my friends here always want to go do stuff.
Go get dinner, or coffee, or go ice skating, or go to a movie.
I feel like they probably get sick of hearing me say I don't have the money,
but sometimes I get sick of them asking, too.
Can't we ever do something that doesn't cost money?
Ugh.

&& today is the anniversary of... everything.
3 years ago today, in the very spot I'm sitting.
It's when everything changed, when everything intensified.
I can't believe I didn't blog about it when it happened,
& I kind of hate myself for it.
But I was young, & afraid,
& somewhat stupid.
I'm not sure if this has anything to do with how I'm feeling these days.
I don't think it does.
It matters, but not enough to hurt me.
It's never hurt me before, & it would be silly of it to start now.


I have to work at 4.
It's only a 4 hour shift, && then I don't work tomorrow.
I can handle it,
but especially after that stupid kid at work bitched me out,
I just don't want to go.
Little things like that really eat at me.
It's so ridiculous, & I hate that I take things so personally sometimes.


Another section & time for that Anth. 101 class I'm trying to get into opened up.
I have a class at that time, so I can't take the seat, but it kind of gives me hope.
I've already emailed the professor, but he hasn't responded yet.
It doesn't matter to me, really. I'm buying the book & going to the class no matter what.
If he doesn't respond to my email, I'll just show up for the class & talk to him then.
Speaking of books, I looked mine up on Crimson & Gray,
& even with the Anth. book, they're only $365 so far.
I actually think it'll be a little more, though, because the Bio. book I need wasn't available there.
I'm hoping they'll get it in, because at the Bookie, it's $93,
&& I bet it would be way cheaper at Crimson & Gray.
So, when my credit card comes, I'll order them so that's all taken care of.



I think I'm going to head home now.
It's 2. I have to work in 2 hours.
&& mom called, & reminded me that I have something that I need to take to the bank.

I'm so glad I don't have anything to do tomorrow.
I'm going to sleep in & be lazy until I go hang out with Nicole & Renee.



♥
Dani

I've been struggling a lot today.
Sometimes, I wonder what hit me when I start to feel like this.
There's never a rhyme or reason. It just hits me,
& I hate it.


Today just sucked,
&& yet, it really didn't.
I just don't know what's going on.
I've been in a horrible mood since just after I got off work,
& there's really no reason at all for it.
One of the newer guys at work bitched me out because I didn't do my job well enough, apparently.
Of course THAT irritated me. I hate when they don't know that I'm NOT a new worker.

Alex called.
I don't really know why he called, but he did.
We haven't talked in over two weeks, & yet there still wasn't much to say.
The cruise was okay, but the Italy cruise was better.
He made lots of new friends.
He's got two jobs, looking into apartments,
& his parents are giving him responsibility of all his own bills.
Nothing new really, & nothing surprising.
He's going to 'get in touch when he's back in town'.
Ugh. Please don't.
I looked up his most recent fuck buddy on Facebook, & she looks like a crack-head.
I just don't understand what it is with him finding the lowest of the low to be with,
but it fits him, I guess.


Had dinner with my parents, && then hid out in the basement all night.
I curled up on the couch in the family room with the fuzzy zebra blanket Jordan got me for Christmas, with my laptop & junkfood, in the dark,
& watched Bridge to Terebithia & Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.
It was nice, especially because mom didn't get all upset about my need to be alone.
I think she knew that I just wasn't in a good mood, tho,
because she asked about it after dinner.


I don't know what to do with myself right now.
I don't particularly want to go to bed, but there's no point in being awake.
I don't work til 4 tomorrow afternoon.
I kind of want to go to the Rocket & just people watch & think about things.
We'll see. I guess it kind of depends on if I get up before noon.



If they're lucky, they'll get to see,
& if they're really, really lucky, they'll get to feel.

& it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones,
& cuts so deep, it hits your soul,
tears your skin, & makes your blood flow.

It's better that you know.
Love is hard.

Love takes hostages, & gives them pain,
gives someone the power to hurt you again & again.







♥
Dani

Shopping this morning was a success.
Found myself a dress, for $20!
&& I got shoes for $15.
Everything was exactly what I was going for; exactly what I wanted,
only at a way better price than I could have expected.

I love it so much.
It's beautiful, & classy, & I'm comfortable in it.
I just want to look stunning & feel beautiful.
I'm super excited for the banquet now. :]


Nothing real exciting happened today.
I was wondering why I invited mom on the shopping trip this morning before we even left the house, but things got better.
Worked 11:15 - 4, which wasn't bad at all.
Now I'm just relaxing in comfy clothes, in my bed, with my laptop.
My favorite. :]


I'm tired, but it's only 10:30. && Jessica & I are supposed to talk tonight.
Work again tomorrow, 11:15 - 4.
Yay.


♥
Dani

I'm so addicted to Owl City right now,
& it's weird because I still can't decide if I ACTUALLY like the music or not.
I just really like a few select songs,
like The Chrismas Song, The Saltwater Room, & Hello Seattle.
The rest either annoy me or freak me out.

So I had originally gone to bed at 7 tonight,
because mom & I are getting up at 5AM to go shopping - which is in like, 3 hours.
Chris called & woke me up.
I didn't answer & I was going to go back to sleep,
but I realized I didn't blog Christmas!


Christmas went well. :]
I got a new digital camera,
& Harry Potter 6,
& gift cards for iTunes, Shopko, Winco, & Subway,
& $15 from Grandma,
& Brita filters [I'm ridiculously excited about them],
& notecards, highlighters, & binder clips,
& earrings,
&... other little things, like bubble bath, & candy/food, etc.

It was a good Christmas.
I desperately needed a new camera, so I'm VERY glad about that.
I'm also extremely excited about the brita filters.
I don't know if I've ever explained this,
but Pullman water is NASTY. SO GROSS.
So this year, I bought a Brita pitcher.
The filters are hella expensive, but they last for a good 2 months or so.
So, my parents got me a pack of 3 - they'll probly last me the rest of the school year.
Yay. :]

Dinner was amazing.
We had ham & scalloped potatoes & rolls & broccoli.
Mmm. I love home cooked meals.


I know I had all these little things I wanted to say,
sentimental things & such.
But it's nearly 2:30 in the morning, && I just woke up from a 6 hour nap.
So I don't think I'm going to be remembering it anytime soon.

Mom & I are getting up in the morning to go shopping for a dress for band banquet,
because all the stores are having amazing sales... at 5AM.
I have to work 11:15 to 4 after that,
but it shouldn't be too bad.
&& we might go to Grandma's between shopping & work.
Should be a busy day, but hopefully that means it'll pass quickly...?
Hopefully.

I'm super thirsty, but I don't want to go upstairs to get something to drink.
*sigh*

I should go back to bed too. Get 2 & a half hours more sleep.
&& then go SHOPPING! :]]


Merry late Christmas, all.

♥
Dani

The fact that I cannot cry makes me want to cry. But I can't cry...

It's technically CHRISTMAS guys! Exciting. :]


So I got up earlier than I would have liked today,
especially since I didn't go to bed until nearly 4AM last night.
&& I'm starting work on Saturday. No more sleeping in. :[

Anyways, dad & I got up early to go to the bank, because they closed at 2 for Christmas Eve.
We put him on my account so he can get an ATM card & be able to get my phone bill money out when he needs it.
& I also needed to get a credit card so I could buy my books, which I hate, but it's necessary.

After the bank, I had planned on just going to get coffee & going to Walgreens for mom.
I had to get dad cashews for his stocking - it's a tradition.
Luckily Jordan texted me reminding me to come see her at work so I could get my present!
So I got my coffee [that amazing Starbucks concoction Reanne's got me hooked on],
& drove out to Baskin Robbins.
There was no one there at all, so we talked for like a half hour, & I opened my gift.
She got me 2 pairs of gloves - the double kind where one has no tips, which is great for band!
She also got me wash cloths, of bright colors that I love, which is awesome for my apartment next year. :]]
&& she got me a super super SUPER soft purple zebra blanket.
Ohmygoodness I love it SO much. It's so soft & warm, & SO big!
I've been curled up in it all night. It's so cute. Love love love it.


When I got home I wrapped a million & a half gifts,
or at least that's what it felt like.
I hate wrapping gifts so much. It's like, the ONE thing I dislike about Christmas.
But I got it all done, & our neighbors came over & exchanged gifts.
I got a $20 gift card for Shopko, which I decided I can use for shoes to go with whatever dress I end up getting for Band Banquet, since they have a Payless there.
Then my parents decided that, instead of opening an early gift, we'd scratch the lotto tickets what were supposed to go in our stockings early.
I ended up winning $16, which is AWESOME, because I'll definitely need the money.
Then we watched It's A Wonderful Life, like we do every Christmas Eve.
We all cried, & it was amazing. I love that movie, & I had a great Christmas Eve. :]]

So I got my apartment application all filled out & paid for.
$35. But it's worth it.
Now I have like... $50 in the bank, after paying daddy.
It's JUST enough to find an amazing dress for Band Banquet,
thank God, because I almost forgot I needed to do that.
So after the New Year, I'm going shopping for a dress on clearance at Macy's or JC Penny.
I'm excited. :]]
I'll probably have to borrow $20 or $30 from mom,
either for extra in case the dress is more than I'm going for,
or for gas so I can get to & from work for the next 2 weeks.
I'll definitely be able to pay her back!
I got my hours for this next week at Wendy's, & I got over 30 hours.
&& I get New Years Eve off! I work 11-7 that day. Yay!
So, I calculated that out, & it's like... $265 just for that week.
Let's hope I get the same kind of hours the next week.
Then I'll also have enough in case my Fin Aid isn't what I think it will be,
because I need to pay Brittany $350 for the holding fee/deposit on the apartment.
It'll all work out. I'm optimistic. :]


I don't want to jinx it, but things have been going so GOOD lately.
Perhaps it's just because I've been so happy, & so optimistic about life.
I'm a little afraid work will ruin all of those happy feelings,
because it has a way of making me hate life & hate this town & everyone in it.
But I'll just have to think of the money.
I need that money, & it's so nice of them to let me come back & work on breaks.
I must stay optimistic, because I definitely love the feeling.



Well I better get to bed, so Santa can come!
It's Christmas. I love Christmas. :]


♥
Dani

I just can't seem to blog when I'm at home.
I've gotten long posts written twice now, & deleted it all because I hated it.

*sigh*


♥
Dani

I really need to be studying for my last 2 finals right now,
but I just can't focus.
Sometimes blogging calms me down, even tho I don't have much to say today.

Went & helped Reanne & Will last night with Psych.
Actually, I just helped Reanne; Will was writing a Gen Ed paper.
Reanne was freaking out about this exam, but I really think she did just fine.
We worked thru an online practice quiz & it went well - 75% right, which isn't bad.
Then I helped her write some notecards, & we went over key terms in the chapters.
It was fun, thought I don't feel that I was much of a help.
I mostly just gave her advice on HOW to study for it.
She says she thinks she did okay on it. I hope so. :]

I got home about 9, & started studying for Soc. & Stats.
I wrote Soc. notecards & tried to study for Stats.
I missed 2 soc classes this last section, so I feel like I had very few notes,
& Stats... ugh.
I don't even know what to do with that.
I wanted to write notecards, but the info isn't 'notecard' kind of info.
I printed off the review slide show, && emailed the professor,
because she said something about posting practice problems, but there weren't any.
I've already sold back my book, but I'm not going to be down on myself for that,
because I wouldn't have used it anyways.
If I don't get my own hand-written, taken-in-class notes,
then I definitely wouldn't get anything from the book.

I'm just going to focus on reading as much Soc as possible,
& knowing everything for that exam. I CAN get an A in there.
Of course I'm worried about Stats.
I have an 81%, without the EC & the DIA in there,
so I have no idea where I'm really at on my grade, but I need to stop worrying about it.
Just study, take the exam, & forget about it.
At that point, there's nothing left I can do.



UGH people keep talking to me.
I'm never going to be able to study.
Why did I sign up to work today?
I have SO MUCH to do.
Study, laundry, shower, pack.
Eat & sleep too, probably, I guess.
*sigh*

I keep saying I just want to go home,
but I'm not even really that excited about 'home'.
I feel like that sucks, & it's horrible.
But no, mostly, I want to be done with Finals.
Home involves work, & friends bombarding me to hang out, & family, & fighting.
I'm going to miss my room & my loves SO MUCH.
:[


Time to study, study, study.

♥
Dani

I want to go home.




♥
Dani

So I didn't do well on my Abnormal Psych exam.
64%.
I have a final grade of 84.5%.
I was hanging out with Reanne & Will when I found out.
I went out in the hall & called mom & cried & cried.
Reanne came & got me & we went to the bathroom & I cleaned up.
I'm home now, & I feel okay.
I'm still upset.
But I'm okay.
Just tired from crying.

I'm very... down right now.
I feel hopeless.
I just need a night off, but I can't have one.
I have a Com. final tomorrow at 1, so I need to read/study for it,
& shower.
But I'm exhausted.
My eyes burn.
I just want to sleep, & gain some hope for the next finals.
This can't happen now.
I need to focus on my other finals & believe in myself.

*sigh*

♥
Dani